I've been having the most vivid dreams lately, and last night I had one about one of my favourite places in the world, Cambodia. I was riding on a motorbike with my ex-boyfriend Derek and my friend Janna who I was there with in real life last time I went. We were zooming through the post-wet season countryside and everything was a lot lusher and hillier than the times I've been there which have both been in the hot season. I was thinking to myself that I would really like to go back to Cambodia, chuck in my job and just go live there so I could see all the seasons. But there was this nagging in my mind about something I had forgotten. Of course, I'm having a baby and can't possibly just take off like that anymore!
Then I lay there in the dark, and thought, me and Tiny can go anywhere we please, as long as I can get work. Surely - that's what I hope. And of course the Postie will be keen to come with us too. The need to work seems to me more of a leash than having a child does, and though my job is great and my boss Sue is the greatest, I'm looking forward to finishing work at Christmas and having a month to grow my baby and get ready for its arrival. And then spend a year getting to know them.
As well as getting used to the idea that I'm pregnant, and that there's a person in my body that I don't know yet but am going to know everything about, I'm also getting used to the idea that I now belong to my own little family. After Derek, I was by myself for 18 months, some of which were hard while I got over him, some of which were liberating while I lived by myself and made all my own decisions. I've become used to my own company, of doing everything for myself, of planning for noone but myself, and suddenly I have two other people to take into consideration. And then there's our families who will want to be part of Tiny's life in a big way.
But on the other hand, I was sitting on the couch with the Postie last night, and Charlie crawled onto our laps and curled up with us. And I thought about how there were four of us piled onto that two-seater and it made me very happy indeed.