As I near my third trimester ...

... the prospect of actually having to give birth has started to dawn on me. I still can't get my head around that this thumping, kicking boy will one day be an actual thumping, kicking boy running around independently of me, but it's getting there. A Wellingtonista was telling me about her friends going over their birth plan at the weekend and doing practice runs to the hospital. We have a long way to go before we talk birth plans and all that. In fact, I only recently found out there was such a thing.

But if I were to write one now, here's how it would go:

1. Feel a few pesky twinges while sleeping in of a morning or in the bath, or lying somewhere comfortable like my couch.
2. The few pesky twinges called contractions quickly come closer together without me raising a sweat.
3. Midwife is called, calm and collected parents-to-be drive to hospital. Surprisingly, it's free parking day at the hospital, and look - there's a park right outside the front door!
4. Get into delivery suite and voila, gloriously handsome baby pops out. Mother wonders what all the fuss is about, while everyone stands around completely entranced with what a good-looking baby Tiny has turned out to be. Father doesn't faint from sight of blood. In fact, can be heard saying "where's the blood?"
5. Tiny goes to sleep and stays asleep all through the night, and only wakes to be fed or to give extremely cute smiles to his adoring parents and legions of fans who have gathered outside the hospital bearing frankincense, gold and myrrh.
6. Grows up to save the world from climate change, solves the problem of poor drinking water in third-world countries, cures cancer, fixes things up between the Palestinians and Israelis, convinces al-Qaeda/US military/suicide bombers/assorted loonies to stop killing people, and generally makes the world a better place.

Not unrealistic, surely?